A few nights ago I sat on the couch questioning my husband, who was ready to walk out the door and out of my life, I brought myself to ask,"Does the church mean anything to you? Do you still have a testimony?" When I heard him say "No," I felt like my already shattered world had fallen apart. How do you pick it all up? I can't put his testimony back together. All I ever wanted was to have an Eternal Family. When I heard that one word I couldn't breath. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I had known what his answer would be in the back of mind, but hearing him say it and mean it tore at my heart. I just wanted to stand up and scream. I wanted to throw myself on the floor like a toddler and scream,"It's not fair! It's just not fair! I want my life back! I want to be happy again!"
The hardest thing with addiction is that you still love this person with all your heart. Realizing that they are just sick is so hard. Addiction IS a disease. I find myself questioning my life all the time. I run questions through my head all the time. "How can I leave? How can I walk away from the life we have built?" This is why I am trying to salvage what is left of my marriage. I can NOT leave without a fight.
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