Do I stay or do I go?

We had a relapse. Those 2 weeks were so short lived. He relapsed on our camping trip. He is turning t stronger substances, and I find that the stress is becoming too much.

Last night as we sat arguing my husband got up, got dressed, and said he was leaving. For the first time in five years I felt like I could just let him go without chasing him or begging him to come home. I felt so relieved. Now I sit here feeling guilty. I love this man with all my heart so why am I having these feelings? Was it just anger that left me feeling relieved? Why did I feeel so at peace with the entire situation?

I have so many questions running through my head. I can't seem to concentrate on one specific thing. I keep thinking about what I would do if things ended. Where would I go? What path would I take? I find myself thinking that I would like to go someplace I have never been, someplace new, someplace without memories of our life together. Maybe I could chase some of the dreams I left behind. Then I have to stop and think, "Are those dreams reasonable for a mother?" I wanted a dance studio. I had dreams of helping children heal,the way dancing helped me heal after my dad walked out of my life. What if I could do that? What if my pointe shoes could heal my broken heart like they have so many times before? Is this even a reasonable dream for a mother of 2 kids under 3?

The amazing thing about all of this I find that I am closer to my Heavenly Father then I would normally be. It never ceases to amaze me how close one feels when  the storms of life hit hardest. I have cried mightily for help and guidance. I have wept, I have been humbled, I have felt my Heavenly Father lift me up.

I have spent a lot of time pondering Christ in The Garden. I have this beautiful picture called "In the Garden." I picked it up at an antique store for $100, it's an original oil pastel. I find myself staring at  it often. It is a constant reminder that My Savior felt every pain I am feeling. He will not leave me alone in my darkest hour. He is there to give me strength and to help me weather the storm.

I am so grateful for The Gospel. I am so grateful that I have somewhere to turn when my life becomes to much. I have been blessed to be able to attend the temple and to feel the blessings and peace that come from going. Thank you all who read or message me. I am praying for those in the same or similar situation.